i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
