It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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