The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
