I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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