The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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