I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
