I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
