first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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