I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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