dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
