While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
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Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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