It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
