i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
