I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
