My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
