My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
