i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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