is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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