Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
