Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
