can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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