Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
