That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
