theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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