So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
