bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we made out on top of his cat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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