I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
