I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
