So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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