youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
