I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
