Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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