So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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