He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
