You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
