You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
