why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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