What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
