The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
