If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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