State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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