i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
we're so committed to being not committed
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