I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to calm my uterus...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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