FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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