Do you still have your period?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
