I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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