I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
