I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
