4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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