Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
