Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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