if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
