but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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