I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
