I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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