So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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