This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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