i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
