I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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